The Nitty Gritty Gal’s Recipe for Not Sleeping:

Step 1: Be sure to drink two large iced teas at lunch.

Step 2: Ignore all self-help articles and books you’ve ever read over the years that say it’s best to keep a pad of paper and pen on the nightstand.  This will ensure you toss and turn all night, thinking of stuff that you HAVE to remember to do the following day.

Step 3: Pretend that you’re not cold enough to get an extra blanket.  Even though you KNOW that you’ll be more comfortable and cozy with another layer on the bed, it’s important to instead say to yourself, “I don’t want to get up.”

Enjoy lying there, shivering with dread and discomfort the entire night, you moron.